Suicidal horse

So Dixie tried to kill herself yesterday, but she's fine today. I am not so fine; my nerves are completely shot.

I packed everything I own in the truck and trailer, then got my horse out and dressed her up to go for a ride. I put the red Renegades on her front feet, to protect her heel bulbs, then I put these snazzy new shipping boots on all four legs. Then I spent an hour and a half trying to get her to load. I tried coaxing, annoying with the whip, food, clicker training food, pushing on her and crying, threatening to sell her at Fallon, and finally ignoring her. Ignoring her actually worked - the other ladies I board with, who had been quietly watching and occasionally offering helpful advice, came out and loaded the mare. One had treats and the other shoved from behind. We tied her head on the left side of the manger and left her standing diagonally in the whole trailer.

I thought there was no more horrible feeling than the totally impotent rage of your evil demon-horse going on a trailer when someone ELSE asks nicely, in the same way you'd been asking. I was wrong, actually.

I pulled out very slowly, in a textbook-perfect example of driving with a horse. At the corner, I stopped at the stop sign and made my right turn, and halfway through Dixie put her right foot in the manger. She immediately started thrashing around, so I turned on the hazards, leapt out of the truck, and yanked the window at the front of the trailer open while I frantically called ~C. She said to try and shove Dixie's foot back down, maybe with a rope to help lift the hoof over the lip of the manger, or just open the doors and let her try to get free on her own. I untied Dixie's head and she started thrashing around even more and got her head on the right side of the manger divider. Right leg on left side, head on right side. I have never been so scared in my life. I was so sure that she was going to break her leg or rip all of her tendons.

I couldn't budge the leg, so I ran around to the back to open the doors. As I headed around the trailer, there was an explosion of thunks and crashes, and when I got to the back my fucking horse's head was wedged in the back door window and she was wheezing. Her body was curled up sideways, with her back facing the doors. I have no idea how she did that - some kind of somersault backwards, I guess. I flung the doors open - gently shoved her head in as I got the second door open - and she hauled herself to her feet and walked out of the trailer completely sound.

I could not believe it. I still can't believe it, but the horse is completely unscratched. Her head isn't banged up. Her legs are cold, tight, and totally unscratched. Nothing is puffy or obviously sore.

I walked her the half-block back to the house, then walked back to the truck and drove it back to the house. I'd left the driver's door open the whole time, and there was a little kid standing at the fence next to the truck with her jaw dropped, just staring. I guess none of it took that long.

The trailer's kind of banged up. When Dixie somersaulted backwards, she hit the doors so hard that the divider thing between them is bowed out an inch and a half. The doors don't shut so good anymore. I think I can fix it with a come-along, if I can figure out where to attach the come-along. And I'd really like to fix it, because as soon as I get the title back from the state I'm selling it. I cannot think of a way to put that horse in that trailer where she'll ride without killing herself.

A couple people suggested I load her and take her around the block, because she probably learned something from getting her foot hung. I don't think humans usually learn anything from their mistakes, and it's the worst kind of anthropomorphism to think a horse, which is a creature not really known for its critical thinking skills, would learn from its mistakes. I think the only thing she learned is that (yellow) bumper pull trailers are absolutely, positively trying to kill her.

I don't know when I'll get another trailer. I still don't want to finance one, but once I sell the trailer of death, I could put almost 50% down, so it wouldn't be much, but I don't want to finance anything, ugh. And right now, I don't even want another trailer. I am so shaken by how I almost killed my horse that I don't want to do anything that might kill my horse. This is a problem because horses are huge idiots who can conceivably kill themselves doing anything at all.

I brought her an apple today. She ate it, then ran off the chickens who were scavenging for apple juice drool, then charged the fence to run off the low-ranking mare on the other side, then ran off the chickens AGAIN for good measure. Then she came back over to me, licked my hands for a long time, and fell asleep while I scratched the two permissible itchy spots - her poll and her withers. So I'd say Dixie is completely fine, and that's the only thing that makes this ordeal bearable.